I have moved to : http://amyelia.wordpress.com

It's only thirty-eight days away, and what a struggle it has been to get to this point. Fight after fight, almost-break-up after almost-break-up; we've left chaos in our wake. But that's what makes it all even more beautiful to me, the fact that within all the destruction we've managed to find a place which we know is our own, together. The old me would have quit, wouldn't have tried, wouldn't even have felt anything remotely as strong as I do about this. I know that this is only going on because each of us feels the need to stay with the other.

That may make this relationship sound like it's barely hanging by a thread, but honestly if it does then so be it. I think that all relationships are barely hanging by a thread. Sometimes it only takes one fuck-up to destroy the entire thing. This entire relationship has been one fuck-up after another and it's still going, so I count myself lucky. Lucky that someone loves me enough to sacrifice their time to see whether or not it's going to get better. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but they're trying. And just for that I'm going to make sure that things DO get better and that they DO change.

I remember back to the beginnings. We sure had a lot of bad times, but I also remember that we had a lot of special times, loving times, times where I would look into his eyes and know that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I hold on to those good memories, and seek to find a way to make what I wish possible.

Today I got the most harrowing of all my school assessments done - the oral presentation. I think I did okay, I might even have done well. I actually went over the time limit, surprisingly enough. Most of you might think, "Oh big deal, it's just an oral presentation!" but for me it IS a big deal. A lot of people hate having to give speeches or whatever, but I am literally terrified of having to stand up in front of even a small group of people. I'd rather have my nails pulled out.Well, maybe not that extreme, but I'd really consider it...

Anyway, bad news is I got a $215 fine for running a red light. Now let me explain to you how I got this fine. I drove through an amber light, and before I cleared through the thick white line on the otherside, the light turned red. So I committed the "ran a red light" offence for ONE second just because my car wasn't entirely out of the box when the light turned red. Fuck! I would have gotten demerit points too, but fortunately the car is still under my father's name. It's okay though, he's barely around, being overseas most of the time, and hardly even drives while he's here. I fucking hate the cops who hand out traffic offences. For three years I've had a clean driving record, besides the occasional parking ticket, and some stupid cop has to ruin it just because they have the cheap end of the deal and feel like they must exercise the power they DO have as often and unnecessarily as they like. And I'm stuck with this fine which I can't really afford. Again - fuck! 

So that's my news for the day. I'm really just counting down the days until James comes now. It's down to 47. In eight more days it will officially be four months since I was last with him. God, it feels like an eternity. I just want to get over all my school assessments, get my certificate and be rewarded with James. Please, just let it go smoothly for once!

A friend of mine recently had a relationship, that had been going on for almost three years, end. When I think about it, it makes me a little sad and a bit fearful for my own relationship. I know that she and I are two different people and that our partners, or ex-partner as it is for her, are also very different from each other, but I can't help but find some sort of parallel between us.

James and I, we've gone through a lot of relationship problems. I know a lot of the time our problems stem from a lack of communication and the tendency to blow small things out of proportion. I am grateful everyday that, despite all my insanities, he has stuck by me because he loves me enough not to give up on us. We're not a perfect couple but I know that I'm trying to be better and that James is supporting me the best way he knows how, and I'm actually really happy for once, as I haven't been in a little while. Each day brings me a little closer to being the person I want to be for him. I know it's difficult at the moment because we're so far apart and the times we were together were always shadowed by the fact that soon we would have to be apart again. But things are looking up, I can feel it.

In regards to this friend of mine, I always imagined that she had such a deep, committed relationship nothing could possibly go wrong. I do believe that they were even engaged and planning to be married in the not-too-distant future. I can only speculate about what exactly happened to end the relationship, but I know for certain that her entire world has fallen apart ever since. It makes me sad to see the things she's been saying in regards to her own worth and purpose in life. That one pivotal moment has changed her as a person, has stolen away from her all the hope and faith she had for the future. It's taken away her belief in and ability to love.

I believed her relationship was so much stronger than mine, so much more stable and mature. They were even best friends to begin with. It always seemed like some sort of paperback romance. Now it's just...over. It's all so surreal. I knew how excited she was about this relationship. She'd kept it a secret for so long, and when she was finally able to express it to everyone I knew it was a big relief, and a great joy, for her to be able to show her love freely. And now that's gone. She just seems like a shell, if even that, of her old self. That disturbs me.

I want to say all the cliches - "time heals all wounds..." etc. But I can't. Why? Because I don't know if it will. I don't even know what to say to her, despite the fact that, at certain points in my relationship, I've felt like all was lost. But at the end of the day they're not. I'm still with James, he still loves me and I do not have the ability, or the right, to give her the kind of comfort I'm sure she needs. I have so much to say, but it's never the right thing. I hate that.

The days are getting colder in Melbourne as we approach the winter months and it's making me wish, more than ever, that James was already here. I miss the times we'd just stay in bed and cuddle up under the covers to keep warm and talk about everything and nothing, or snuggle together in front of the T.V watching a DVD and eating all that naughty junk food. Sometimes I wonder why we fight so much; and in such vicious, hateful ways.

We've been through a lot of hard times and I'm wondering if the worst has already come to pass or if there's even more bad times ahead. I really hope not because, as much as I want this relationship to last forever, I'm afraid that that will not be possible if things keep on blowing up every now and then. It's getting just that little bit harder to handle each and every time and I'm scared one day it will become impossible to try to stay and fix things anymore.

It's just under two months until he's here with me. I need to keep sane for that long. I really need him where I can hold him and remind myself that when we're together everything is okay. That hasn't really been the case in the past, but I feel like maybe there's a change of pace now, that this relationship has evolved because of all the difficult times we've experienced together. I really hope that it's changing for the best. No matter what I've said, or what we've done, I want this. I really want this. And if he really wants it too, then I know this can work.